Welcome back to Reforming Rob! In my last blog post, I tried to establish a starting point, or ground zero, for my current physical health and fitness. My hope is that over the course of time I will be able to measure against this starting point, and hopefully see improvement. In this blog, I intend to do something similar, but attempt to get a measure of my current mental health.
This &%$# Ain't Easy Folks!
It seemed pretty straight-forward when working on how to measure and document my physical health. It's been quite a bit more challenging to determine how to measure mental health. There are various tests on college and medical websites that may help determine the depth of a specific ailment like depression or anxiety. What I've determined to do is to document, as well as I can, a general mind-set and what that looks like.
Self-Evaluation
My first step was to do a bit of a self-evaluation, a deep reflection. My attempt at this included sitting in a quiet place, meditating, and just trying to more deeply recognize my emotional and mental health, and write down my thoughts and insights. I wasn't really surprised by anything specific, but I did make note of a few things I'd like to share with you.
Toxic Self-Talk
The way I speak to myself, or my self-talk, speaks loudly to my overall mental state. There is a lot of self-hatred, I call myself names, calling myself lazy and stupid before I even get out of bed. There are even little jingles I sing to myself in the shower, calling myself fat, stupid, a jerk, and every other self-depricating phrase you can imagine. This "voice" is in my thoughts and consciousness all throughout the day. It is problematic and inescapable. I'm past due to confront this issue.
Suicidal Ideation
There is a harsh reality that I have to face head-on, or it is going to cost me my life. Without my faith, knowledge of what is right and wrong, and above all, my commitment not to leave my wife and children on their own, are really the only things that have kept me from suicide. Suicidal ideation and more than one suicide crisis has been a constant companion for most of the last couple years. If this doesn't elevate my awareness of how fragile my mental health is, I'm not sure what will.
Way Too Close of a Call
In December 2019, just after Christmas, I was training for a 50 mile ultramarathon. As part of that training I climbed a steep, rugged mountain in the Superstition Wilderness commonly called Flatiron. It is a very hard climb of several thousand feet over 3 miles, and requires more scrambling than hiking. It is also beautiful, and adding to the beauty of God's creation, lights of the Phoenix valley etc, is the satisfaction from just having done something hard...climb the mountain. I have been up there dozens of times, and it is one of my favorite places in the world. Obtaining the summit, I stopped at the normal viewpoint where folks go to see the view, and is also on the edge of a cliff. As I was standing there, I found myself arranging my hiking gear in a way in which people would believe my fall had been an accident. I had no conscious intention at all, not at any time, to climb up there and jump to my death. I had no conscious intention of arranging my gear that way until I found myself doing it. I had no conscious idea that I was in a suicide crisis.
A few years previous to this day on Flatiron, I had talked my then 11 year old daughter to accompany me on a back-packing overnight trip up Flatiron. It was hard! It was especially hard on her, but she persevered. We ate dinner and had a funny little incident happen at that same exact spot on the viewpoint where I was staging my gear for a leap. Like a flash of lightening, a very clear picture of my daughter, her hair all ruffled and pretty much discheveled overall from her climb up, broke into my mind at that most critical moment. It dispelled the blackness, brought me fully conscious to the moment, and I grabbed my hiking gear and got down off of Flatiron as fast as I possibly could. It was time I seek for help, so I spoke to my eternal friend and partner Anne, and she helped me find the help I needed at that time.
God Doesn't Have to Send Angels Every Time
I would be amiss if I didn't recognize the very real interference of my Heavenly Father, who I am convinced sent me that, the most perfect message ever sent to man, sweet memory of such a precious moment with my daughter, at just the exact right time and with the exact right force. I've learned and will declare to the world that God speaks YOUR language. Not just English, or Spanish, or Russion, but the language of Rob, of Juan, or of Dmitri. His involvement in my crisis that day leaves me even more in His debt, but He certainly has my gratitude and eternal love for it!
Lurking in the Shadows
I wish this experience and close call with suicide had cured me of all things self-destructive, but unfortunately that has not been the case. Suicide is still a dark shadow that follows me, and it is a reality that I have to face. I have to speak up, loudly, to myself, and to the people around me: "Hey, I have suicidal ideation regularly. It haunts me." My Faith and Love are stronger than ever, but suicide has been very tempting, and even seemed like the only answer, more often than I care to admit. My self-talk is dispicable at best.
Don't Judge Others...You Never Know
My experiences have left me with a great empathy and compassion for those who have struggled with mental health, suicide, and especially those who chose that path. We are commanded not to judge, and we better not! We never know, at least in this life, the shadows that lurked in the hearts and minds of loved-ones past, nor their battles. I truly hope they find peace. Mental health, suicide crisis, horrible self-talk are all ways of suffering that we can help each other alleviate.
Physical and Mental Health are Intertwined
I'm learning more every day how physical, mental, and spiritual health are all bound together. It is my intention to create wellness plans focused on all three areas simultaneously. I invite you to follow along on this journey.
Until next time...
PEACE!
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