Hello from Arizona, where a warm spring has already convinced the trees to all blossom and the tomato plants to kick into high gear growing! Thank you for joining me today on my blog, Reforming Rob. In the last post I talked about spending time in sacred places and the resulting influence to our mental and spiritual wellness. In today's post, I'm going to do my best to describe a recurring health and wellness issue that continues to plague me. I term it my "dark clouds" of depression.
It's Got Me!
Over the course of the last few days, I've been attacked with a wave of depression that on an intensity scale would be on the extreme high side. I use the word attack quite purposefully as it feels like a personal assault. At times I get an impression like I'm on the losing side of a war, much like generals and commanders of wars past that I like to learn about. There is an almost insufferable reality to face that it may last for a few days or a few months, which strips away hope of release and make the experience all the worse. While still enduring and experiencing this affair in real time, I'm going to attempt to document its effect here.
Blocking Out My Ability To Feel
I used the term "dark clouds" ten or twelve years ago with my wife in trying to describe the very physical feeling in my head. I told her then, and it is still the case, that I can feel it coming on. Just as really dark storm clouds can turn the brightest sunshine day into a monsoon here, the same thing physically happens in my brain. All of the "feeling" components that make me who I am get a blanket cast over them. It's like some cruel dentist gave me a numbing shot in whatever part of my brain makes me feel...well anything. Sadness, hope, anger, trust, curiosity, or suprise, it's as if that ability to feel is just stripped out of me. Activities that I would normally enjoy ALL become chores empty of pleasure of any kind. Yes even going for a run or reading a book. Empty. Lonely, feeling so utterly alone, but despising the thought of having to be near anyone. I push my adorable two year old girl in her hammock, making her smile with delight as she makes big circles around the room, and I don't feel anything. Intellectually I know I'm doing something that normally makes my heart soar and life worth living, but I don't feel anything. Doesn't that sound disgusting?
Physical, Mental, or Spiritual?
On this blog and associated YouTube channel, it's been my intention to learn about ways to heal and take better care of myself mentally, physically, and spiritually, and share that experience in real time. In the last few months the more I've learned the more committed I am to embracing and understanding better how all three parts are interwoven and connected. I admit not being able to drill down to a "root cause" with this dark clouds issue. As personal as the attack feels, I tend toward believing that my spiritual enemy is the biggest underlying influence, but the repeatability over many, many years leads me to wonder if there isn't something physically in my brain responsible. Then I wander toward some kind of unconscious mental malady is the true culprit. Or all three? For reasons I can't explain right now, that seems to be the most likely...each playing a role?
Get To Work
Another common theme on this blog is surfacing here, but it's reality so I have to include it. I've got work to do. While maintaining the physical, mental, and spiritual health plans I've already implemented, I've got to drill down deeper and see what there is to learn. Library time is in order here, along with a visit to both my doctor and ecclesiastical leader. At least those will be my starting points. I'll share what I learn in the upcoming weeks.
Please share your experiences and any thoughts you may have in the comments below, on my YouTube channel, or just email me directly. I'm anxious to hear from you!
Until next time... PEACE!
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